Who's The Worthiest of Them All
“Brings a lot of value to the table but does not display self worth.”
That was my feedback from what seemed to be an amazing interview that I swore I knocked out of the park. & after hearing that, my heart sunk to the bottom of my ass, to be honest.
One, I despise being read for filth. Mostly, because I’m a Virgo. We are the keeper of all receipts and I be damned if someone else brings one to the table. CRINGE. Secondly, I was put in an uncomfortable position that pushed me to stare my biggest flaw in the face without blinking and attest to the fact that my life is lacking in so many areas because of …ME.
Generally speaking, I’m what most would call a confident woman. Gentle yet firm. Self assured (at times). Certain. Unwavering. But it is only when I truly desire something, whether a new job, a new boo, etc, that my confidence plays the hiding game. Almost as if I am not privy to all of my talents, leanings, and gifts that I bring to the table. And I show up as if it’s not a win for both parties involved. As if an employer couldn’t possibly be blown away by my capacity to learn and my ability to bring a creative spin to a mundane process. Or that a man’s life couldn’t possibly be flipped for the better with me to the right of him, slightly 3 steps behind.
Maybe you identify... That when it matters most, we doubt ourselves.
Yesterday, I came home with tear brimmed eyes. Blinking so that they would fall. Praying that the wetness would wipe away any fear because moving forward I desperately need a clean slate. A clean slate for me looks like me going after and demanding the very things that I want so that I am able to cultivate the life that I want for myself.
I. Am. Shivering. At the thought of re-routing and unlearning the very person that I have come to be. But what puts the chills at ease is knowing that that girl is conveniently compromised of trauma, defense mechanisms, and the acceptance of everyone else’s convictions over her life.
May the re-write be chain-breaking.