You Weren't Mine To Keep
After a handful of failed relationships, "situationships" that stole ENTIRELY too much time from me & a slew of dates that went absolutely nowhere, at 25, I'm questioning what is wrong with me. Let's be real, a lot of our parents were married with us on the way by 25. And right now the only thing on its way is a package from my latest late night online shopping trip. Currently I'm really struggling with the idea of love and what it's supposed to feel like. I'm questioning the times I felt that I was in love and if it was even real. Recently, I went through the end of a relationship that I just knew would prevail. We went through a lot ...and for some reason we tend to think that means stick around. (NEWS FLASH, IT DOES NOT MEAN STAY!!) A few days after the break-up, I was back to who I was before I met him. A few years ago I never knew he even existed and that's exactly where my feelings retreated to. Not even knowing him or caring. My feelings were so removed. While I was replaying everything in my head (from what went wrong to why I put up with things for so long), I was slowly but surely regressing to not giving a damn.
Fun Fact: I'm extremely dismissive. Throughout my life this has served as a blessing and a curse as I can switch my feelings on and off as I please. In turn, I never really deal with my feelings. Always throwing them to the side gearing up for the next try at love. Sure, being dismissive allows me to skip the sadness and moping around with a pint of Ben & Jerry's Americone Dream. However, it makes me question myself. Do I ever really have true feelings? Did I ever really love that person? It's something I've struggled with for years, never really taking the time to get a grasp on what really is the issue.
What has helped me recently is a conversation I had a few weeks ago with a long time friend. We were talking about life, love, & relationships. We went back and forth, updating each other with the latest and ended up honing in on our dating lives. From our convo, one thing he said stuck with me most: "At this age, it's time God brings me my own so I have to act as such". In essence, we are all waiting on that person that is OURS. Someone that you don't have question or wonder about. Someone that was made for you & even through the hard times, you are reminded of that daily. BUT! We continue to do the same things, expecting different results. We fall for the same type of people. expecting a different love. Insert, INSANITY. That conversation alone has helped me to wrap my mind around the failed relationships. For me it's a cycle, immediately going into something new after ending it with someone else. Never am I still enough for what or who is meant for me to find me...
"..you were never mine to keep. I was never in a position to accept the type of love you give...or there lack of. I was never ready to be patient and fight through what the world threw at us...or what you threw at me. I wasn't selfless enough to truly ever forgive...or forget."
My "cure"? Get still and be alone. In order for my "true love" to reveal itself and be mine, I need to be in a position to receive it. I'm praying for solace in my alone time. Comment below with how you handle breakups, what you do to make yourself feel better & how you make time for just you.
XOXO, Brianna Marie
p.s.- shoutout to MKO.